Preview: Chelsea v Norwich

Can Norwich pile more misery on Chelsea? Bafta-winning comedy producer and Blues fan Spencer Millman tells Jon Rogers where it’s all gone wrong, how big Roman’s boat is, why losing is more fun than winning every week, and if José will be sacked if they lose

Jon: So, Chelsea entertain Norwich for a massive relegation six-pointer. YES I WENT THERE. Worried about our one-clean-sheet record this season?

Spencer: The only thing that worries me about that one clean sheet is that I have Seb Bassong in my dream team (he was obviously cheap)! By the way we have kept only two clean sheets in the league this season and one of those was against Villa so that doesn't really count

Jon: Nothing against Villa counts.

Obviously this is the most disappointing start from Chelsea since Dave Beasant was first on the team sheet. So, what has happened this season with Chelsea? Why are you underneath us in the middle of November!?

Spencer: What has happened with Chelsea this season is the million-dollar question that no one has the answer to. To be honest it’s been coming. Since January of last season the football hasn’t been good and it was primarily the form of Eden Hazard at the back-end of last season that got us through. It’s clear to see that when he is off form, as he is, we as a team don’t perform.

So that is a major factor but I suspect there is a lot going on behind the scenes that we are not being told. The Eva Carneiro incident, talk of José Mourinho losing the dressing room, Branislav Ivanović’s older, slower, shitter brother playing instead of the actual Ivanović have all not helped. Also why spend £23m on a left-back and not play him when all fans could see that moving César Azpilicueta to right-back (his actual fucking position) instead of Brana and playing Baba Rahman at left-back (his actual fucking position) was the best thing to do. Oh God I’m gonna stop before I just rant and use language that is not printable.

Jon: This is all very Faust. Your team, in a way, sold its soul. Now when it’s all falling down around you (for two months), its exceptional fun for neutrals to see the drama, the headlines and the bonkers interviews. It will happen to Man City one day and once again, we will point and laugh.

See, I grew up with Chelsea being the team with cars behind the goal and the team who bought Robert Fleck (that went well). Whenever Norwich played you guys, it was a always good game – and points were available. Do you miss those days, when expectations weren't high every game and three points was a battle, not a formality?

Spencer: Oh God. Robert Fleck and “we don't need another hero, we've got Tony Cascarino” up front, and watching that game in ’92 against you when Beasant made those two howlers! Those were the days.

I have to be honest – and I think you might slate me for this – but after being in Munich to see us win the Champions League in 2012 I very nearly gave up my season ticket. I know 100% that, as a Chelsea supporter, nothing will ever come close to my emotions that night, especially having been in Moscow when we lost to Manchester United in 2008.

But it's a weird feeling and also quite boring going to games knowing (expecting) to win and I have actually enjoyed going to the matches this season more than I have for many a year. The banter is back in the crowd, the passion is back and that is so much more enjoyable than just sitting back knowing we are going to win. Does that make sense? So I guess, yes, I do miss the days of standing in the shed, sitting on the benches, looking at the cars on the athletics track surrounding the pitch. But, seriously, nothing – other than probably England winning the World Cup – will ever be as good as that night in Munich.

By the way did you know Robert Fleck is now a special needs teacher up in Scotland? And also his song is still sung to this day at Chelsea:

Number 1 is Robert Fleck
Number 2 is Robert Fleck
Number 3 is Robert Fleck
Number 4 is Robert Fleck
Number 5 is Robert Fleck
Number 6 is Robert Fleck
Number 7 is Robert Fleck
Number 8 is Robert Fleck
Number 9 is Robert Fleck
Number 10 is Robert Fleck
Number 11 is Robert Fleck
We all live in a Robert Fleck world, a Robert Fleck world a Robert Fleck world etc.

Jon: Ha! Catchy song. I did know about Flecky. I've walked past him a few times at Carrow Road. His jaw is still squarer than Desperate Dan’s.

So, let's imagine you’re Roman Abramovich. You’re on a yacht, 40 women are all over you. Your phones beeps, you pop on your gold-plated glasses and read the text: Chelsea 0-2 Norwich.

Basically, if you lose, is José gone?

Spencer: It's a weird one because if we do lose on Saturday, which by the way I don't think we will, I don't think Abramovich will be able to resist sacking him. Unlike the last time when we let José go I don't think the fans would disagree. However, who the fuck do you get to come in? People mention Carlo Ancelotti, but quite frankly he would be an absolute mug to come back: “Yeah Roman, I managed your team and we won the double and by the way you know that entertaining football you wanted, well we scored over 100 goals, won 7-0 twice and 8-0 as well”, you're fired! He would be mental to come back. So if we lose, yes I can see José being fired but God knows what happens next.

By the way I would imagine there would be more than 40 people on that boat, have you seen the fucking size of it? It's like a floating Lukaku.

Jon: I bet it has a boat INSIDE the boat. 

We will be looking for a 0-0, holding back and hitting you on the break if and when we can. Talking of Romelu Lukaku, we have our own version: Dieumerci Mbokani. He is useful with his elbows and is happy to take a clattering in the air – it’ll be interesting to see how he fares against a big team.

So what's your opinion on Norwich? Do you even have one? By the way, you'll get bonus points for any incest, cooking and bird jokes.

Spencer: Much to your disappointment, I'm sure, but I actually like Norwich as a club. I think it's run very well, Alex Neil is a good manager even though he looks like a pit bull chewing a wasp, and in Robson (sic Redmond) and Jerome you have two not very good singers who can actually play football. I think you'll stay up no problem to be honest; there are too many other teams below you who are not good and hopefully you'll celebrate another season in the Premiership with Delia being her normal batshit self. 

Other than that I hate Norwich because I took both of my boys who really don't like football to the Chelsea v Norwich game in 2014 in the hope they might love the atmosphere and might see loads of goals. Of course it ended 0-0, was fucking boring and my boys never wanted to come to Chelsea again, so thanks for that! On the upside I love Norwich because they for some reason they seem to be the easiest team to complete when it comes to Match Attax! 

Oh and incest, cooking and birds.

Jon: To finish up… where will Norwich finish? Where will Chelsea? And a score prediction?

Spencer: Norwich to finish 14th. Chelsea to finish 5th.  Chelsea to win 3-1

Finally, I did one of these for a QPR fanzine last season and got called a cunt, prick, wanker, cunt again, and got a load of abuse so more of the same please this time.

Jon: Pfft. We're much classier than 'QPR'. We'll call you a rapscallion if you're lucky.

Thanks for that, I’m going for 2-0 to Chelsea.

Finally, Roman's yacht, from Wiki: Eclipse has two helicopter pads, 24 guest cabins, two swimming pools, several hot tubs, and a disco hall. It is also equipped with three launch boats and a mini-submarine that is capable of submerging to 50 metres.

SUBMARINE!! My house doesn’t even have a dishwasher!

Spencer Millman is a BAFTA-winning producer who has worked on Harry Hill’s TV Burp, Inbetweeners 2, The Mighty Boosh and much more. You can follow him on Twitter at @spencermillman 

 

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